you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
i've created a new STD.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize