my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
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i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
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No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
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