what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
