Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
