My liver just broke up with me...
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
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I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
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If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize