My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
