My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I think my moral compass just broke
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
