the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Randomize
