Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I checked into jail on foursquare
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
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