Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
