that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
