I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Randomize
