I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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