I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Randomize
