i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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