I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
