The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize
