He disabled his match.com account in front of me
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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