can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
