Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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