I've blown a few things in my day
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
