just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
