my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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