She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
