Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Panties = found
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