Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Randomize
