I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Randomize
