Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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