and my herpes radar will keep us safe
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
