sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
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