I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
