We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Randomize
