One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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