everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
