I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
