It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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