Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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