so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
