there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
