Your dad touched me again.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
