i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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