The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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