I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
