I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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