im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
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