not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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