i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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