Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
