we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
