I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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