You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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