I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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