Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
