I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
