So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
