Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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